We spend a small portion of our lives trying to answer the most critical question: what is my calling? This generally starts around high school and lasts until our early to mid 20’s. For most people, a calling is nothing more than the career they will have, the college they will go to, or some grandiose venture they will take up in order to feel fulfilled. We’ve become so conditioned by society to believe that being a wife isn’t “enough”, and that we must pursue college and careers after high school. Not going after these things isn’t even an option, in the minds of many women. Why? Because feminism has led us to believe that a career and education is what makes a woman. Not only that, but we are obsessed with "finding our life callings", instead of simply letting the Lord lead us, and oftentimes without any consideration of who we were meant to be as women. We spend so much time fretting and worrying, “What do I do? Where do I go to school? What unique calling does God have in my life?” I remember thinking these things as well. Even after I was married I thought, what do I do? A lot of people see marriage as some sort of “arrival”, but even after I got married, although I already knew I wanted to be a stay -at-home wife, I was still fretting over whether or not I should get my degree. I remember realizing that marriage wasn’t the answer to the question of “who am I, what is my calling?” BUT, it should’ve been.
Sure, I will always be involved in things that my husband isn’t involved in- I have my blog, I help with the children’s ministry at church, I have a Bible study that I’m a part of. But none of those things is my life calling. Once I got married, a degree or career, or even a business was no longer imminent for me to pursue- my calling became “helpmeet.” And once I had a baby, a new title was added- “mother.”
Furthermore, when I got married, I stepped into my husband’s “frame”. I adapted who I was- my goals, my dreams, my plans for life- to fit into Andre’s vision for his life and family (mind you, we already wanted many of the same things before marriage, which is part of how we made the decision to wed). Why? Because, now I would submit to Andre, as he submits to Christ. That means that as God leads Andre, Andre leads me. God tells Andre to go here, and Andre says, “Solie, God is telling us to go here.” That is how submission works. God is first-hand giving Andre the vision for our family. I have absolutely no need to sit here and try to figure out whether or not I should go and get a degree, unless Andre turns out to be indifferent, and gives me that option because it wouldn’t affect where God is leading our family- which actually happened- he didn’t pressure me into dropping out of college, or make me finish what I started. He left it up to me- and I said “I’m outta here.” The only reason I would’ve wanted to finish, and why he would’ve wanted me to finish is so that I could use the skills I learn to help Andre with his online business. So you see, getting that degree would’ve potentially benefitted where God was leading Andre, and thus our family, but it wasn’t a necessity.
But What If You Feel Like Your Calling is Different Than Your Husband's?
God will never call me to something that is in opposition to our calling. He will never say, “Solie, I want you to go to India as a missionary,” and tell Andre “I want you to continue leading worship at your church,” as Lisa Bevere (self-proclaimed minister- I’m telling you, avoid women preachers!) recently wrote could possibly happen.
Bevere also wrote, “Husbands are to love and lead their wives into who they are.” This is not true. Husbands are supposed to lead us to be more like Christ, through washing us with the water of the Word, not into pursuing that dream career we have had since we were 12. Bevere said that as her and her husband navigated their different life callings, sometimes they would find themselves tripping over one another’s feet. I can imagine why. You’re going one direction, your husband is going in another- that is not how a godly marriage is meant to be. You are meant to go together as family to advance the kingdom of God.
Once you are married, not only is there no difference between marriage and our callings, as Lisa Bevere claims- our calling is our marriage. We are to be helpmeets to our husbands, not to our bosses or coworkers. We’re supposed to teach and raise our children in the admonition of the Lord. We’re supposed to take care of our household- cleaning, making sure everyone is fed, clothed, and healthy. That’s how we are to make the biggest impact for His Kingdom. That’s our calling. And there are plenty of verses in scripture to back this, but none to back the “I do me, you do you,” marriage- a.k.a "You do you, I do me, and then we come together at the end of the day and eat and sleep and enjoy each other’s company.” In fact, this concept is written all over third wave feminism, which must be rejected by us Christians. One of the top pieces of marriage advice I received was “make sure he doesn’t change you.” I had women that were genuinely concerned that I would no longer have my own personal ambitions.
When we are married, we have the same trajectory and path as our husband’s. That is a part of the unity we experience in marriage. You should change your dreams and plans to align with God’s plan for your family. You should be willing to let go of the career or dream or start-up. You should not be afraid of “losing” your identity. Your life calling is found within the marriage God has gifted you with.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m not saying that you can’t have a job, hobby, go to school, or be involved in ministry. What I am saying is that those things are secondary when you are married. Those things are extra.
The bottom line is, you will never be called into something that is in opposition with your husband's life calling!
I hope this encourages you to reevaluate your priorities and cherish your calling as a wife. Maybe you’re like I was, trying to find a place in this world as a wife- hopefully this will help relieve some pressure to go and do. And if you are already content in your calling as a wife, I hope this reminds you that you are right where you need to be. The world will pressure you into believing you need to do and be more, but you don’t.
“3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Titus 2:3-5
With love,
Solie Osorio
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